So after a long time I bought today one of those Martinelli’s non alcoholic apple cider bottles that looks like a champagne bottle and it reminded me of a few good times I had some three years back when I first discovered it. My roommate at that time introduced me to it and being muslims we had to have some fun with it by watching other muslims’ reactions seeing us drinking from that bottle. Those of you who don’t know: muslims don’t drink (or are not allowed to drink by religious laws) and it is considered as a serious misdeed in muslim societies.
Our first experiment was when we went to one of our friends’ birthday. We brought a cake and with it, of course, one of those Martinelli’s bottles. My friend opened the door. “Happy Birthday!!”, we gave her the cake. Now the champagne looking thing needs some introduction because she’s staring at it. “Well…you see, it’s your birthday…and we thought…you know…doing it (drinking) only a few times maybe doesn’t really count..” She’s still staring. We continued, “well it’s not a big deal…you know just for one day…and we already bought it…so…” She’s still staring with confusion, and now also making some sounds like – “eh?…no…what?…kidding me?…lier…no noo…eh?”.
Seeing her reaction to it we now had to tell her the truth before the situation gets really awkward where she starts crying/kicks us out, or simply just agrees to drink and gets super excited about it ;)….(plz don’t kick me when you read this, I’m sure you wouldn’t agree to drink ;))…But I now kinda think it’d be more interesting if had we extended the lie a little further :).
The next time I got to see people’s reactions wasn’t intentionally planned at first. I was just sitting after a long tiring day while enjoying some music and trying to open the bottle of my favorite apple cider without a bottle opener when my mom came online (yea she comes online to talk to me). I turned on my webcam and that’s when the idea came to my mind. “How’s everything”, I asked my mom with a particular tone intended to show that I’m in a bad mood, and then opened the Martinelli’s bottle in an impatient manner, took a tall transparent glass and started pouring the cider into it. Then I took a few sip, put the glass away sighing loudly several times while doing all these and asked “how’s everything” (or something similar) again.
She said, “What’s that?”
– What’s what?
– The thing you’re drinking.
– What do you mean nothing?
– Nothing!……ahh what the Hell…who cares….yes I am drinking!… Okay?
The whole time I was eagerly waiting to see her reaction knowing for sure that she’d be outraged. Now after hearing my answer, she replied,
– hmmm.. nice!…so what does it taste like? (with a hint of curiosity in her voice)
– What??….. ha??
I am so confused! Is that really what she’s saying?….yea no doubt, she definitely knows. But I still said,
– Mom! How can you ask me that!?? How can you not even care if I drink?!
– Do you think I don’t know you enough after raising you for so many years? I don’t know what that thing is that you’re drinking, but after considering the probability of you suddenly start drinking alcohol and showing it to me on a webcam, do you really think I can’t figure out that you’re definitely not drinking what you’re saying you’re drinking, idiot.
My mom is pretty awesome and so my mission of seeing her reaction failed.
But my acting skill at that time was actually pretty good and the proof is my two friends who came online right when I was talking to my mom. So now I did the same thing with them that I did with my mom, separately, (and now I acted a little more drunk), and the following is how our conversations went:
Friend 1 (the emotional one, living in Malaysia):
– OMG, Are you drinking???
– Why? Whyy?? oh God!
– noo reason.
– Did someone dump you? (yea, she actually said that lol)
– I mean did anyone hurt you or anything like that? What happened??
– I don’t know… Why are you asking weird questions, you’re giving me a bad headache.
– Farha, please for God’s sake tell me what happened?? Tell me…Are you ok??
– yes I am fineee! What’s wrong with you? Why are you pissing me offfff??
She kept annoying the drunk me from thousands of miles away in such a tone that she was sure something went terribly wrong with my life, and as soon as I tell her what went wrong, she’d instantly fly here like superman (or woman), solve all my problems, snatch the bottle away from me as fast as her super power allows, throw it into the pacific ocean, and thus, save my precious life.
Friend 2 (living in Bangladesh):
– What’s that?
– What do you think it is…hehe
– hmm….how does it taste??
– bad… not good.
– I thought so. Well, I actually heard so.
– I always wanted to try too. Like, not really drink drink, but just taste and feel a little bit to see how it’s like.
– really? (in my mind: you punk, you acted so innocent before, and Now you’re revealing your inner secrets after seeing me doing it… :))
– hmmm…yea well I wondered you know… so how does it feel?
– I don’t know….umm…whatever…you have to try it…
…I continued drinking
I later asked her what the explanation was behind her unexpected behavior. From analyzing her answer, this is what I got: She won’t ask you directly to give her an explanation when her level of confusion is too high. She’ll take her time and carry on an unemotional conversation while she tries to reason in her mind why you might be doing it. So what she came up with is that I might have found somewhere some logic that justifies drinking under the rules of Islam in certain circumstances, and I might be in one of those weird circumstances using the opportunity (!). So my confused smart-ass friend all this time was trying to pull information out of me to figure out how she should further react to this situation.
You guys just melt my heart and keep me entertained in so many strange ways that even my simple Mertinelli’s apple cider sometimes feels like alcohol when I think of you while drinking it.